Funny how one thing can set up a chain reaction of emotions, eh? This afternoon I was looking through old photos, trying to find the worst of the worst for the post before. And I kept stumbling over the past, tripping over memories, falling headlong into old emotions and thoughts. Christmasses past. People no longer here.
And then I was talking to someone who is spending Christmas in hospital, with his mother who is dying. And it got me thinking back to four Christmasses ago, when my own mum was dying in hospital. And then James yelled at me that The Snowman and the Snowdogwas coming on TV any minute. And so I went through and I said to him, ‘Is this really a wise idea? Let’s face it; I cried my eyes out when we watched the trailer.’ And he said, ‘It’ll be fine, Mum.’
But pretty much two seconds into it, I started crying and, let’s be very honest here, I haven’t stopped since. Which is ridiculous, cos I always thought the original was well schmaltzy.
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But hey...I guess I was looking for an excuse cos crying is a release, isn’t it? Like laughing. And I’ve been grinning so damn hard lately that my jaw is seriously aching from the effort. So. There you go. And really, it’s fine. Of course it’s fine. It’s just life. Sometimes you stop pushing everything away and…wallow. Just for a bit.
And I guess I’m saying that it’s very easy to watch everyone having a fantastic time, or what you perceive to be a fantastic time, and somehow feel a bit…rubbish…if you’re not all Deck the Halls and Fa-la-la-la-la.
But it’s okay. It’s okay to feel a bit rubbish at Christmas. Nobody can tell you how to feel. Not nobody. J
Just…if you’re moaning about family or obligations or whatever…just maybe…you know? Or not. J
Me? I’m fine. How could I not be? I’m going to finish off the bottle of Cointreau and take myself off to Midnight Mass. Alone? Sure. My family don’t go in for that kind of malarkey. And that’s equally cool.
So. My love and blessings to all of you, readers dear…at this strange and special time. Whatever your belief, or lack of belief…
Just…all my love. xxx
NOTE
PS - if you're not fine...and, who knows, some person reading this might not be remotely fine... my online pal, Kellie (@BigFashionista) asked people to post up her list of helpline numbers. So...here it is. Just in case.
MIND
www.mind.org.uk
0300 123 3393
Samaritans
www.samaritans.org
08457 90 90 90
Alcoholics Anonymous
www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/newcomers
0845 769 7555
Stonewall
www.stonewall.org.uk
Info line 08000 50 20 20
London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard
0207 837 7324
SANELine
www.sane.org.uk
0845 767 8000
Preventing young suicide
www.papyrus-uk.org
For people in Northern Ireland
www.lifeline.info
0808 808 8000
Childline
www.childline.org.uk
0800 1111
Depressionalliance
www.depressionalliance.org
Refuge
www.refuge.org.uk
0808 2000 247
Eating Disorders Association
www.edauk.com
0845 634 1414
Shelter
www.shelter.org.uk
0808 800 4444
NHS Direct
www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk
0845 4647
No Panic
www.no-panic.co.uk
0808 808 0545
Cruse Bereavement Care
www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk
www.mind.org.uk
0300 123 3393
Samaritans
www.samaritans.org
08457 90 90 90
Alcoholics Anonymous
www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/newcomers
0845 769 7555
Stonewall
www.stonewall.org.uk
Info line 08000 50 20 20
London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard
0207 837 7324
SANELine
www.sane.org.uk
0845 767 8000
Preventing young suicide
www.papyrus-uk.org
For people in Northern Ireland
www.lifeline.info
0808 808 8000
Childline
www.childline.org.uk
0800 1111
Depressionalliance
www.depressionalliance.org
Refuge
www.refuge.org.uk
0808 2000 247
Eating Disorders Association
www.edauk.com
0845 634 1414
Shelter
www.shelter.org.uk
0808 800 4444
NHS Direct
www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk
0845 4647
No Panic
www.no-panic.co.uk
0808 808 0545
Cruse Bereavement Care
www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk